1 00:00:19,708 --> 00:00:21,174 -[intercom buzzes] -RIP: Agatha, 2 00:00:21,276 --> 00:00:22,609 I'm ready for my 4:00. 3 00:00:22,711 --> 00:00:24,377 -Saltine. -[exhales sharply] 4 00:00:24,513 --> 00:00:26,112 You got this. 5 00:00:26,214 --> 00:00:27,347 [breathes deeply] 6 00:00:27,449 --> 00:00:29,849 Ah, Saltine. Please, have a seat. 7 00:00:29,951 --> 00:00:30,917 What brings you in today? 8 00:00:31,019 --> 00:00:32,285 Rip, you've taught me so much 9 00:00:32,354 --> 00:00:33,853 about archaeology, 10 00:00:33,955 --> 00:00:36,089 from paleoethnobotany to lidar mapping methodology, 11 00:00:36,191 --> 00:00:38,591 but I think now I'm ready for the next step. 12 00:00:38,693 --> 00:00:40,126 So, what do I need to do to be promoted 13 00:00:40,262 --> 00:00:43,196 from assistant arky to full-blown professional arky? 14 00:00:43,265 --> 00:00:44,731 Well, actually, Saltine, 15 00:00:44,833 --> 00:00:46,666 it's not up to me. 16 00:00:46,735 --> 00:00:48,935 [slurping] 17 00:00:52,374 --> 00:00:53,907 [slurping continues] 18 00:00:54,009 --> 00:00:55,375 [sighs] 19 00:00:55,444 --> 00:00:57,077 It's time to let you in on one of archaeology's 20 00:00:57,179 --> 00:00:58,678 most closely guarded secrets. 21 00:00:58,780 --> 00:01:00,914 In order to become officially licensed, 22 00:01:01,016 --> 00:01:04,884 you must complete the Arky Trials. 23 00:01:04,986 --> 00:01:06,252 Da heck? 24 00:01:06,354 --> 00:01:08,254 I've taken a solemn oath, so I can't divulge mucho, 25 00:01:08,390 --> 00:01:10,090 but do know this: The Trials are a series 26 00:01:10,225 --> 00:01:12,158 of treacherous tests you must pass 27 00:01:12,294 --> 00:01:13,593 to prove you have what it takes 28 00:01:13,695 --> 00:01:14,861 to be an arky. 29 00:01:14,930 --> 00:01:17,097 And as your role model and sole heir... 30 00:01:17,199 --> 00:01:19,532 Who else would I leave my cat to? 31 00:01:19,634 --> 00:01:21,768 ...it pains me to say, I don't think you're ready. 32 00:01:21,903 --> 00:01:23,536 What? But this is all I've ever wanted, Rip. 33 00:01:23,638 --> 00:01:25,271 The stakes are higher than you think. 34 00:01:25,373 --> 00:01:26,473 For if you fail, 35 00:01:26,575 --> 00:01:28,274 you can never attempt the Trials again. 36 00:01:28,410 --> 00:01:30,076 -I won't fail. -Your confidence 37 00:01:30,145 --> 00:01:32,745 is admirable, but you still have much to be-learn. 38 00:01:32,814 --> 00:01:34,380 -[yelps] -But also know this: 39 00:01:34,449 --> 00:01:36,483 If you go now, you'll miss our fresh 40 00:01:36,585 --> 00:01:40,587 and very fertile new assignment from the Chess Museum. 41 00:01:40,689 --> 00:01:41,921 [gasps] I love chess. 42 00:01:41,990 --> 00:01:43,957 I know. But if you do the Arky Trials, 43 00:01:44,059 --> 00:01:46,326 I'll have to bring Swooper as my assistant instead. 44 00:01:46,428 --> 00:01:49,329 Oh. That smarts, but it's worth it. 45 00:01:49,464 --> 00:01:50,663 I want to do the Arky Trials, 46 00:01:50,765 --> 00:01:52,665 even if you don't think I'm ready. 47 00:01:52,767 --> 00:01:55,401 Very well. Then let it be so. 48 00:01:55,470 --> 00:01:57,804 Agatha, you can send in my 4:15. 49 00:01:57,939 --> 00:01:59,139 -[grumbles] -Oh, shit. 50 00:01:59,241 --> 00:02:01,141 -This is gonna be bad, isn't it? -[grunts] 51 00:02:01,243 --> 00:02:03,409 ♪ ♪ 52 00:02:06,481 --> 00:02:09,048 Be forewarned, Swooper. This guy runs a chess museum, 53 00:02:09,150 --> 00:02:11,184 so he's probably kind of a nerd. 54 00:02:11,286 --> 00:02:12,485 Welcome to the Chess Museum, 55 00:02:12,621 --> 00:02:14,387 where even a pawn is treated like a king. 56 00:02:14,489 --> 00:02:16,156 [whispering]: Told you. Nikki Finke, RIP. 57 00:02:16,258 --> 00:02:18,558 So, Magnus, what's this about a special chess piece? 58 00:02:18,660 --> 00:02:19,993 On the phone, that's what you said, 59 00:02:20,128 --> 00:02:21,628 so that's why I'm fucking asking about it. 60 00:02:21,730 --> 00:02:23,997 Ah, yes. When the original chess set was built 61 00:02:24,099 --> 00:02:25,632 in the sixth century, it included all the game pieces 62 00:02:25,734 --> 00:02:26,966 you know today. 63 00:02:27,035 --> 00:02:30,103 But there was one more: The God Piece. 64 00:02:30,172 --> 00:02:32,038 Wow. And why should I care? 65 00:02:32,174 --> 00:02:34,941 [laughing]: Wow, Swooper. Hilarious attitude much? 66 00:02:35,010 --> 00:02:36,476 The God Piece is allowed to move 67 00:02:36,578 --> 00:02:38,545 anywhere on the chessboard at any time. 68 00:02:38,647 --> 00:02:40,647 Only one was ever crafted, 69 00:02:40,749 --> 00:02:42,582 but it was deemed too powerful and hidden away forever. 70 00:02:42,684 --> 00:02:44,884 Some say it resides on the ocean floor. 71 00:02:45,020 --> 00:02:46,819 Others agree, and I, myself, 72 00:02:46,888 --> 00:02:47,854 side with the former. 73 00:02:47,956 --> 00:02:49,389 Oh, my goggles. 74 00:02:49,491 --> 00:02:51,090 I'm trying to be just like Saltine. 75 00:02:51,193 --> 00:02:53,526 I appreciate the attempt, but that's wholly unnecessary. 76 00:02:53,662 --> 00:02:54,861 Okay. I love you. 77 00:02:54,963 --> 00:02:56,529 Oh, wow. That's super nice. Thank you. 78 00:02:56,665 --> 00:02:59,299 I'd like you to find the God Piece so I can unveil it 79 00:02:59,401 --> 00:03:01,801 at the upcoming international chess tournament in Helsinki. 80 00:03:01,870 --> 00:03:04,737 Think of all the terrific publicity it would bring 81 00:03:04,839 --> 00:03:06,539 to the great game of chess. 82 00:03:06,675 --> 00:03:09,842 To say nothing of your museum, right, Magnus? 83 00:03:09,945 --> 00:03:11,778 [laughs] Guilty as charged, Mr. Digman. 84 00:03:11,846 --> 00:03:13,046 But I must warn you, 85 00:03:13,148 --> 00:03:14,647 chess players are cutthroat. 86 00:03:14,716 --> 00:03:17,383 They will do anything to claim this piece for their own. 87 00:03:17,452 --> 00:03:20,153 Understood. And to be honest, immediately ignored. 88 00:03:20,255 --> 00:03:24,224 Okay, Swooper. Let the hunt, hyah, begin! 89 00:03:25,894 --> 00:03:28,394 [whale bellows] 90 00:03:28,496 --> 00:03:30,930 [Rip and Swooper shouting] 91 00:03:32,767 --> 00:03:34,734 [approaching shouting] 92 00:03:34,869 --> 00:03:35,969 [grunts] 93 00:03:36,071 --> 00:03:37,804 I got the God Piece! 94 00:03:37,939 --> 00:03:39,472 Let's head on back to the Chess Museum. 95 00:03:39,574 --> 00:03:40,974 -[phone ringing] -That's me. 96 00:03:41,109 --> 00:03:42,842 Agatha, we got the piece. 97 00:03:42,911 --> 00:03:44,110 AGATHA: That's great, but I'm calling about 98 00:03:44,212 --> 00:03:45,278 something even more urgent. 99 00:03:45,380 --> 00:03:47,046 There's a Make-A-Wish kid named Ringo 100 00:03:47,148 --> 00:03:48,414 who wants to meet you. 101 00:03:48,516 --> 00:03:49,749 He says you're his favorite arky. 102 00:03:49,884 --> 00:03:50,817 Aw. 103 00:03:50,919 --> 00:03:52,585 Unfortunately, the little guy 104 00:03:52,687 --> 00:03:53,953 doesn't have much time left. 105 00:03:54,089 --> 00:03:56,055 He's going to kick the bucket soon. 106 00:03:56,157 --> 00:03:57,357 Understood. I'll chart a course 107 00:03:57,425 --> 00:03:59,025 to the withering lad, tout de suite. 108 00:03:59,127 --> 00:04:02,795 As I've always said, I'll do anything for a fan. 109 00:04:02,897 --> 00:04:04,063 [whimpers] 110 00:04:04,165 --> 00:04:06,766 ♪ ♪ 111 00:04:09,504 --> 00:04:10,403 Wow. 112 00:04:10,538 --> 00:04:12,272 -TRISKET: Hey, Saltine. -[gasps] 113 00:04:12,407 --> 00:04:14,841 Trisket. You're doing the Arky Trials, too? 114 00:04:14,976 --> 00:04:17,110 Yeah, I can't wait for them to get started. 115 00:04:17,212 --> 00:04:18,778 I'm gonna be like, "Kra-cha." 116 00:04:18,847 --> 00:04:20,880 Yeah, and then I'll be like, "Skwa-boof." 117 00:04:20,982 --> 00:04:24,017 Oh, man. We have such titillating rapport. 118 00:04:24,119 --> 00:04:25,685 This is great. I was really worried 119 00:04:25,787 --> 00:04:27,353 that I wouldn't be able to make it through this alone, 120 00:04:27,455 --> 00:04:28,621 but with you here, I'm sure 121 00:04:28,723 --> 00:04:30,857 we'll pass the Trials easy-peasy. 122 00:04:30,925 --> 00:04:35,495 YORBO: May silence reign on your tongues! 123 00:04:39,401 --> 00:04:41,301 My name is Yorbo, 124 00:04:41,403 --> 00:04:43,803 and I'd like to formally extend you 125 00:04:43,938 --> 00:04:46,706 the warmest of welcomes... 126 00:04:46,808 --> 00:04:47,907 to hell! 127 00:04:48,009 --> 00:04:50,143 -[gasps] -This will be the most 128 00:04:50,278 --> 00:04:52,111 brutal week of your life. 129 00:04:52,213 --> 00:04:54,280 Most of you will fail. 130 00:04:54,382 --> 00:04:58,418 And a few of those fails will even be... 131 00:04:58,520 --> 00:04:59,952 -epic! -[gasps] 132 00:05:00,055 --> 00:05:04,123 An arky must be willing to sacrifice everything 133 00:05:04,225 --> 00:05:05,892 to find an artifact-- 134 00:05:05,994 --> 00:05:07,727 your personal relationships, 135 00:05:07,862 --> 00:05:10,396 your family, your friends, even 136 00:05:10,465 --> 00:05:11,998 your acquaintances. 137 00:05:12,133 --> 00:05:13,132 [moaning] Oh. 138 00:05:13,234 --> 00:05:14,667 Do I make my ancient, 139 00:05:14,803 --> 00:05:16,402 fuzzy, purple self clear? 140 00:05:16,471 --> 00:05:18,838 -ALL: Sir, yes, sir. -You, what's your name? 141 00:05:18,940 --> 00:05:19,939 Sir, Douglas, sir. 142 00:05:20,041 --> 00:05:21,174 Douglas, eh? 143 00:05:21,276 --> 00:05:24,777 No, I think I'll call you "Mr. Shit." 144 00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:26,779 -Sir, yes, sir. -And you, 145 00:05:26,881 --> 00:05:28,081 with the only-child vibes, 146 00:05:28,216 --> 00:05:30,183 those are mighty thick glasses. 147 00:05:30,318 --> 00:05:31,651 Can you see without them? 148 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:34,354 -Sir, no, sir. -Would you die without them? 149 00:05:34,422 --> 00:05:36,356 -Sir, I might, sir. -Sounds like you're 150 00:05:36,458 --> 00:05:37,857 pretty obsessed with your glasses. 151 00:05:37,992 --> 00:05:41,294 In that case, I'm gonna call you "Miss Shit!" 152 00:05:41,396 --> 00:05:43,863 Seemed like he was gearing up for a glasses name. 153 00:05:43,998 --> 00:05:45,631 Silence! Hate whispering! 154 00:05:45,734 --> 00:05:49,702 Now, let the Arky Trials... begin! 155 00:05:50,538 --> 00:05:53,740 AGATHA: Rip, I'd like you to meet Ringo. 156 00:05:53,842 --> 00:05:56,609 Hey, buddy. I heard it was your dying wish to meet me. 157 00:05:56,711 --> 00:05:58,511 Yes, sir, it was. [coughs] 158 00:05:58,613 --> 00:05:59,879 Aw, that's so nice. 159 00:06:00,014 --> 00:06:01,881 So, Ringo, I don't mean to be rude, 160 00:06:01,950 --> 00:06:04,150 but when do you think you're gonna bite the dust? 161 00:06:04,219 --> 00:06:06,386 I head to the electric chair next week. 162 00:06:06,521 --> 00:06:07,420 [grunting] 163 00:06:07,522 --> 00:06:08,654 I got to say, when people said 164 00:06:08,757 --> 00:06:09,889 you were gonna die soon, 165 00:06:09,991 --> 00:06:11,224 I totally thought it was gonna be 166 00:06:11,326 --> 00:06:12,492 from a terminal illness 167 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:14,093 and not because you're on death row. 168 00:06:14,195 --> 00:06:15,695 [chuckles] Yeah, I get that a lot. 169 00:06:15,797 --> 00:06:16,796 I'm glad you came anyway. 170 00:06:16,865 --> 00:06:18,431 I guess it's true what they say. 171 00:06:18,533 --> 00:06:20,400 You would do anything for a fan. 172 00:06:20,502 --> 00:06:21,801 I mean, traditionally, yes, 173 00:06:21,903 --> 00:06:24,036 but what did you do to end up on death row? 174 00:06:24,139 --> 00:06:25,805 I was framed for the murder of a priest. 175 00:06:25,907 --> 00:06:26,873 -Been there. -Same. 176 00:06:26,975 --> 00:06:28,207 And even though I'm innocent, 177 00:06:28,343 --> 00:06:29,909 there's only one lawyer who can get me off: 178 00:06:30,011 --> 00:06:31,110 Harvey Greco. 179 00:06:31,212 --> 00:06:32,578 -The Harvey Greco? -The Harvey Greco? 180 00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:33,880 He's, like, the best lawyer ever. 181 00:06:34,015 --> 00:06:36,449 Well, duh. He's never lost a case. 182 00:06:36,551 --> 00:06:38,985 But sadly, my family can't afford Mr. Greco. 183 00:06:39,087 --> 00:06:42,822 He charges $800,008 for his services. [cries] 184 00:06:42,924 --> 00:06:45,425 So his bono isn't pro? 185 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:47,960 This is why I'm never having kids. 186 00:06:48,062 --> 00:06:49,662 I just wish we could do something. 187 00:06:49,798 --> 00:06:50,997 Wait a second. If we use 188 00:06:51,099 --> 00:06:53,866 the chess piece to win $800,008, 189 00:06:53,968 --> 00:06:56,769 we can save little Ringo and then return it to the museum. 190 00:06:56,871 --> 00:06:59,238 Won't we get in trouble using the piece to make money? 191 00:06:59,307 --> 00:07:01,107 They said to bring it straight back, remember? 192 00:07:01,209 --> 00:07:04,310 Yes, but much like blow-drying my hair in the shower, 193 00:07:04,412 --> 00:07:05,878 it's a risk I'm willing to take. 194 00:07:05,980 --> 00:07:07,013 Now, hit that gas pedal. 195 00:07:07,148 --> 00:07:08,714 We got a fan to save. 196 00:07:08,783 --> 00:07:11,384 Your first trial is a course. 197 00:07:11,453 --> 00:07:13,286 Easy. I've been on many courses. 198 00:07:13,354 --> 00:07:18,124 Even ones filled with obstacles? Begin. 199 00:07:20,128 --> 00:07:22,628 YORBO: An arky must be determined. 200 00:07:23,798 --> 00:07:26,332 -I got you. -YORBO: An arky must be strong. 201 00:07:26,935 --> 00:07:27,767 [yelps] 202 00:07:27,869 --> 00:07:29,502 An arky must be agile. 203 00:07:30,905 --> 00:07:33,573 An arky must feel no pain. 204 00:07:34,642 --> 00:07:36,809 An arky must be able 205 00:07:36,878 --> 00:07:39,011 -to dodge boulders. -[gasps] 206 00:07:39,113 --> 00:07:40,913 Uh... yes! 207 00:07:42,417 --> 00:07:44,484 [groans] Think, Saltine, think. 208 00:07:44,586 --> 00:07:47,186 [grunting] As I've always said, Saltine, 209 00:07:47,288 --> 00:07:50,323 never underestimate the importance of a stick. 210 00:07:52,627 --> 00:07:53,860 [yelling] 211 00:07:57,131 --> 00:07:58,331 [panting] 212 00:07:58,466 --> 00:07:59,699 -[sighs] -TRISKET: Saltine. 213 00:07:59,834 --> 00:08:00,666 Trisket, no. 214 00:08:00,768 --> 00:08:02,468 The boulder part got me. 215 00:08:02,570 --> 00:08:05,304 [groans] How am I gonna get through this without a friend? 216 00:08:05,373 --> 00:08:06,906 I hope the hardest part is behind me. 217 00:08:06,975 --> 00:08:10,877 Oh, it has just begun, child. 218 00:08:11,012 --> 00:08:13,713 [laughs] Damn, I rock! 219 00:08:18,586 --> 00:08:21,354 Did you guys see that new pigeon lady? Kind of hot. 220 00:08:21,489 --> 00:08:23,289 RIP: Pardonnez-moi, gentlemen. 221 00:08:23,358 --> 00:08:27,326 I have here a crisp Ulysses for any one of you fish 222 00:08:27,395 --> 00:08:30,696 who can defeat my friend Swooper on the grand grid. 223 00:08:30,798 --> 00:08:32,064 I'll take you up on that. 224 00:08:33,668 --> 00:08:35,501 Wait, is that the God Piece? 225 00:08:35,637 --> 00:08:37,169 -It's the God Piece. -Unbelievable. 226 00:08:37,272 --> 00:08:38,404 We will just accept this. 227 00:08:38,506 --> 00:08:39,372 Oh, damn. 228 00:08:39,507 --> 00:08:41,207 Checkmate. 229 00:08:41,309 --> 00:08:44,443 [laughs] He fucked you up, you piece of shit. 230 00:08:44,546 --> 00:08:45,778 I'll take that. 231 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:47,713 Now, which one of you fish is next? 232 00:08:47,815 --> 00:08:52,084 We're not leaving this park until we make $800,008. 233 00:08:52,186 --> 00:08:54,220 Hey, if you want to make some real money, 234 00:08:54,322 --> 00:08:56,489 you should go to Vegas. Chess is huge there. 235 00:08:56,591 --> 00:08:58,090 Vegas, you say? 236 00:08:58,226 --> 00:08:59,725 Yes, I do. 237 00:08:59,827 --> 00:09:01,060 ♪ ♪ 238 00:09:01,162 --> 00:09:02,395 BOTH: Yeah! 239 00:09:03,798 --> 00:09:08,568 ♪ I've got to gamble on the odds ♪ 240 00:09:09,404 --> 00:09:10,803 [laughing] 241 00:09:10,939 --> 00:09:13,639 ♪ I'm betting wagers on my bets ♪ 242 00:09:13,741 --> 00:09:15,074 [laughing] 243 00:09:16,344 --> 00:09:18,210 ♪ The odds are stacking up ♪ 244 00:09:18,279 --> 00:09:21,047 ♪ So put your gambles on your bets ♪ 245 00:09:21,149 --> 00:09:22,548 ♪ It's Vegas, baby ♪ 246 00:09:22,684 --> 00:09:25,084 ♪ And I'm moving and shaking around. ♪ 247 00:09:25,186 --> 00:09:27,386 An arky must learn to stomach 248 00:09:27,522 --> 00:09:29,555 that which is repulsive to others. 249 00:09:29,657 --> 00:09:32,391 So, for this challenge, you must eat 250 00:09:32,460 --> 00:09:33,826 monkey brains! 251 00:09:33,895 --> 00:09:35,061 -Huh. -That's not too bad. 252 00:09:35,129 --> 00:09:36,162 You know, it's actually a delicacy 253 00:09:36,264 --> 00:09:37,330 in some parts of the world. 254 00:09:37,465 --> 00:09:38,397 Oh, really? Even when 255 00:09:38,466 --> 00:09:39,532 they're covered in... 256 00:09:39,634 --> 00:09:41,400 Southwest Suicide Atomic Hot Sauce?! 257 00:09:41,469 --> 00:09:43,069 Its Scoville rating is off the chart. 258 00:09:43,171 --> 00:09:46,439 [laughs] Bon appétit. 259 00:09:47,275 --> 00:09:49,408 -[sizzles] -[gags] 260 00:09:49,510 --> 00:09:52,078 Oh, my God. I don't think I can do this. 261 00:09:52,213 --> 00:09:53,245 AGATHA: Enjoy. 262 00:09:53,348 --> 00:09:55,114 I worked really hard on this, 263 00:09:55,216 --> 00:09:57,650 and it will hurt my feelings tremendously 264 00:09:57,785 --> 00:09:59,185 if you don't eat it. 265 00:09:59,320 --> 00:10:01,053 Now, I'm gonna go wash my hands, since I forgot 266 00:10:01,122 --> 00:10:02,989 to do that earlier, before I made the meal, 267 00:10:03,124 --> 00:10:04,790 which was right after I took a shit. 268 00:10:04,926 --> 00:10:06,659 Bye. 269 00:10:07,695 --> 00:10:09,495 [groans] Swooper. 270 00:10:09,664 --> 00:10:10,630 How can you eat that? 271 00:10:10,732 --> 00:10:11,931 Easy. There's a trick. 272 00:10:12,066 --> 00:10:13,699 What's your favorite thing to eat, Saltine? 273 00:10:13,801 --> 00:10:15,334 Ah, hard-boiled egg in a bag. 274 00:10:15,470 --> 00:10:18,037 So just disassociate, pretend that's what you're eating 275 00:10:18,139 --> 00:10:20,573 instead of Agatha's nasty casserole. 276 00:10:23,311 --> 00:10:24,210 Hmm. 277 00:10:24,312 --> 00:10:26,779 [munching] 278 00:10:26,881 --> 00:10:28,481 [swallows] Done. 279 00:10:28,616 --> 00:10:30,316 Hmm. Very well done. 280 00:10:30,451 --> 00:10:33,019 But also, you're nasty. 281 00:10:33,121 --> 00:10:34,453 [thunder crashing] 282 00:10:34,555 --> 00:10:37,823 An arky must be fearless, so for this trial, 283 00:10:37,925 --> 00:10:39,492 you shall confront 284 00:10:39,594 --> 00:10:41,694 that which you fear most 285 00:10:41,796 --> 00:10:43,996 in the Cave of Your Worst Fears! 286 00:10:44,132 --> 00:10:45,998 Out of my way. I'm not afraid of anything. 287 00:10:46,100 --> 00:10:47,800 What do you fear most? 288 00:10:47,869 --> 00:10:49,735 Failing to achieve my dream of becoming an arky. 289 00:10:49,837 --> 00:10:53,673 No, like something in the animal kingdom with eight legs. 290 00:10:53,808 --> 00:10:55,274 -An octopus. -No! 291 00:10:55,376 --> 00:10:57,510 -Land-based, not sea-based! -Two chairs. 292 00:10:57,612 --> 00:10:59,111 There's no way you're scared of two chairs. 293 00:10:59,180 --> 00:11:00,579 -Aah! Spiders. -[gasps] Wait. 294 00:11:00,682 --> 00:11:01,747 Are there gonna be spiders in there? 295 00:11:01,849 --> 00:11:03,349 -Your turn. -[whimpers] 296 00:11:04,419 --> 00:11:07,319 I fucking hate Yorbo. 297 00:11:07,388 --> 00:11:09,522 -[spiders chittering] -Aah! Chelicerata! 298 00:11:09,657 --> 00:11:11,190 Hey, Saltine. Apropos of nothing, 299 00:11:11,292 --> 00:11:13,559 if you ever find yourself in a cave full of spiders, 300 00:11:13,661 --> 00:11:15,394 the best way to get through it is to embrace your fear. 301 00:11:15,496 --> 00:11:18,497 Anyways, back to watching BTS of the film Prometheus. 302 00:11:18,566 --> 00:11:19,899 What? 303 00:11:20,001 --> 00:11:22,668 Must... embrace... my fear. 304 00:11:22,737 --> 00:11:24,570 Okay, they're touching me. Ew. Ew. Ew. 305 00:11:24,706 --> 00:11:26,038 I mean, fine. Fine. 306 00:11:26,140 --> 00:11:28,474 Very good. Awesome. Love it. These are my friends. 307 00:11:28,543 --> 00:11:31,210 CASHIER: $800,007. $800,008. 308 00:11:31,345 --> 00:11:34,013 Wow. Harvey Greco's exact fee. There you go. 309 00:11:34,115 --> 00:11:35,581 -[Fleety grunts] -Well, we did it. 310 00:11:35,683 --> 00:11:38,017 I'm so relieved we can get back to our normal life now. 311 00:11:38,119 --> 00:11:39,618 Ah, Rip Digman. 312 00:11:39,721 --> 00:11:42,021 Here for the private, high-rollers chess game? 313 00:11:42,123 --> 00:11:43,589 Nope. We were just leaving. Bye. 314 00:11:43,691 --> 00:11:45,357 Aw, too bad. You know, I figured 315 00:11:45,426 --> 00:11:48,294 a couple of hotshots like you should definitely be playing. 316 00:11:48,429 --> 00:11:50,396 I know we accomplished the mission, and we have the money, 317 00:11:50,498 --> 00:11:53,032 but he called me a hotshot, so we're staying. 318 00:11:53,101 --> 00:11:54,400 Fleety, take the bags back up to the room. 319 00:11:54,535 --> 00:11:55,701 [Fleety grunts] 320 00:11:55,803 --> 00:11:57,069 ♪ ♪ 321 00:11:57,171 --> 00:11:59,638 An arky must know everything about history. 322 00:11:59,774 --> 00:12:01,741 So your next trial is... 323 00:12:02,610 --> 00:12:04,376 ...sort of an independent study thing. 324 00:12:04,479 --> 00:12:07,313 You will each select one topic to research 325 00:12:07,415 --> 00:12:09,582 and then present your findings to your class. 326 00:12:09,717 --> 00:12:11,984 That seems pretty easy compared to the other trials. 327 00:12:12,053 --> 00:12:15,588 You deliver your presentation while escaping 328 00:12:15,690 --> 00:12:17,289 -from quicksand. -Ugh, there it is. 329 00:12:17,425 --> 00:12:19,258 Does anyone know what they want to study? 330 00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:22,027 Ooh, I do. Chess. 331 00:12:22,096 --> 00:12:23,429 Yeah, fine. Sure. 332 00:12:24,832 --> 00:12:28,234 Wow. We are in rare air, my friends. 333 00:12:28,369 --> 00:12:30,236 I know it's so cliché to say this 334 00:12:30,338 --> 00:12:32,805 at the end of a chess match, but checkmate. 335 00:12:32,907 --> 00:12:34,440 -I'm ruined. -Who's next? 336 00:12:34,575 --> 00:12:36,609 -I'll take that action. -Swooper. 337 00:12:36,744 --> 00:12:38,577 Well, you'll be no match for me. No offense, 338 00:12:38,679 --> 00:12:40,346 but you just look stupid. 339 00:12:40,448 --> 00:12:42,414 None taken. 340 00:12:42,517 --> 00:12:43,849 [chuckles] Your turn. 341 00:12:43,951 --> 00:12:45,050 -Checkmate. -[cries out] 342 00:12:45,119 --> 00:12:46,685 Way to go, Swooper. Oh, man. 343 00:12:46,788 --> 00:12:49,989 Coming up here was a great idea, and I foresee no downside. 344 00:12:50,124 --> 00:12:51,390 -[door opens] -[Rip gasps] 345 00:12:51,459 --> 00:12:54,360 -Give us the God Piece. -[grunts] 346 00:12:55,797 --> 00:12:57,930 Well, that was unforeseen. 347 00:13:02,870 --> 00:13:04,236 -Oh, man. We fucked up! -We're sorry! 348 00:13:04,305 --> 00:13:06,071 I know. I haven't seen a mistake like this 349 00:13:06,174 --> 00:13:08,908 since Bronstein versus Botvinnik in 1951. 350 00:13:08,976 --> 00:13:11,610 -We feared you'd say that. -We feared you'd say that. 351 00:13:11,712 --> 00:13:13,345 The God Piece has wound up in the hands 352 00:13:13,447 --> 00:13:16,248 of the ruthless Russian mobster Evgeny Dogovich. 353 00:13:16,317 --> 00:13:18,784 If he perishes, he perishes. 354 00:13:18,886 --> 00:13:21,520 Well, I guess that's it. Our check has been mated. 355 00:13:21,622 --> 00:13:23,956 No. A dying kid's life is at stake here. 356 00:13:24,025 --> 00:13:27,726 But Rip, where are we gonna come up with another $800,008? 357 00:13:27,862 --> 00:13:30,129 The grand prize for the upcoming international chess tournament 358 00:13:30,231 --> 00:13:31,931 in Helsinki is $800,000. 359 00:13:32,033 --> 00:13:33,499 I mean, we'd still be eight bucks short, 360 00:13:33,601 --> 00:13:35,067 but yeah, anything helps, I guess. 361 00:13:35,169 --> 00:13:36,602 It's a moot point. 362 00:13:36,671 --> 00:13:39,572 There's no way I can beat Evgeny when he's got the God Piece. 363 00:13:39,674 --> 00:13:41,941 Actually, there is, inside my vault. 364 00:13:42,043 --> 00:13:44,043 -[chirps] -[door whooshes] 365 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:48,180 The God's Wife Piece. 366 00:13:48,316 --> 00:13:49,715 -Wow. -[gasps] 367 00:13:49,817 --> 00:13:51,217 MAGNUS: It was created alongside the God Piece 368 00:13:51,319 --> 00:13:53,652 and has the same powers. I've owned it for years, 369 00:13:53,721 --> 00:13:55,321 but was waiting to find the God Piece 370 00:13:55,389 --> 00:13:57,790 before putting them both on display. 371 00:13:57,859 --> 00:13:59,024 Stunning, isn't she? 372 00:13:59,093 --> 00:14:00,492 -She has a rolling pin? -Yes. 373 00:14:00,595 --> 00:14:02,862 That's unfortunate, but it was a different time. 374 00:14:02,964 --> 00:14:03,996 Swooper, you must take this 375 00:14:04,098 --> 00:14:06,198 and enter the tournament in Helsinki. 376 00:14:06,267 --> 00:14:08,300 I will do thy bidding, my master. 377 00:14:08,402 --> 00:14:09,702 -Uh... -Oh, Swooper, 378 00:14:09,804 --> 00:14:10,803 you don't need to do that. 379 00:14:10,905 --> 00:14:12,204 He's still new at this. Get up. 380 00:14:12,340 --> 00:14:13,572 ♪ ♪ 381 00:14:13,708 --> 00:14:14,907 DOREEN DONKER JR.: Welcome back 382 00:14:15,042 --> 00:14:16,675 to the international chess tournament 383 00:14:16,744 --> 00:14:19,011 where Swooper Goodfly and Evgeny Dogovich are dominating. 384 00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:20,646 -[laughs] -[audience cheers] 385 00:14:20,748 --> 00:14:23,449 -[laughs] -And it seems inevitable that 386 00:14:23,584 --> 00:14:25,484 these two will face each other in the finals. 387 00:14:25,553 --> 00:14:27,519 Hmm. Wait a second. 388 00:14:28,356 --> 00:14:29,722 Oh, my goggles. 389 00:14:29,857 --> 00:14:30,789 -Yorbo! -[yells] 390 00:14:30,892 --> 00:14:31,790 I was doing my research, 391 00:14:31,893 --> 00:14:33,425 and look what I discovered. 392 00:14:33,561 --> 00:14:35,261 If the God Piece and the God's Wife Piece come together, 393 00:14:35,363 --> 00:14:37,463 they'll create a supercharged energy field so powerful 394 00:14:37,565 --> 00:14:39,331 it could kill everyone in the arena. 395 00:14:39,433 --> 00:14:40,900 Including my friends. 396 00:14:40,968 --> 00:14:42,534 I have to leave now if I'm gonna make it in time. 397 00:14:42,670 --> 00:14:44,770 Leave? Why not just call them and tell them? 398 00:14:44,872 --> 00:14:46,272 I tried, but I can't get through. 399 00:14:46,374 --> 00:14:48,107 I postulate that the diametrically opposed polarities 400 00:14:48,242 --> 00:14:49,475 of the two pieces... 401 00:14:49,577 --> 00:14:51,110 I don't care about the specifics. 402 00:14:51,212 --> 00:14:53,512 -Boy, you're a chatterbox. No! -So I got to go. 403 00:14:53,614 --> 00:14:55,614 -[yells] -Your training is not complete. 404 00:14:55,750 --> 00:14:57,249 You've yet to master the whip. 405 00:14:57,351 --> 00:14:59,885 -I have to save my friends. -Do you dare forget, 406 00:14:59,954 --> 00:15:02,421 Miss Shit, that arkies must be willing 407 00:15:02,523 --> 00:15:04,657 to sacrifice their personal relationships 408 00:15:04,759 --> 00:15:06,392 for the pursuit of the artifact? 409 00:15:06,494 --> 00:15:08,961 If being an arky means turning my back on the people I love, 410 00:15:09,063 --> 00:15:11,430 then I guess I don't want to be an arky after all. 411 00:15:11,532 --> 00:15:13,565 That's crazy talk. Blech! 412 00:15:13,634 --> 00:15:15,200 Be gone with you, child. 413 00:15:15,269 --> 00:15:18,103 I'm sorry, Yorbo. I have to do this. 414 00:15:18,973 --> 00:15:21,240 She had such promise, Lord Yorbo. 415 00:15:21,342 --> 00:15:23,876 It's a shame she'll never become an arky. 416 00:15:23,945 --> 00:15:27,913 No. There is... another way. 417 00:15:27,982 --> 00:15:30,316 ♪ ♪ 418 00:15:31,852 --> 00:15:33,218 How does that feel? Good? 419 00:15:33,321 --> 00:15:34,286 Stop everything! 420 00:15:34,422 --> 00:15:36,021 -Saltine? -What are you doing here? 421 00:15:36,090 --> 00:15:37,489 I had to leave The Trials to warn you. 422 00:15:37,591 --> 00:15:39,224 You can't play the God's Wife Piece. 423 00:15:39,327 --> 00:15:41,093 -Why not? -Here's what I know. 424 00:15:41,195 --> 00:15:42,795 -[audience cheering] -The greatest chess players 425 00:15:42,930 --> 00:15:46,031 from around the world are here to watch this match. 426 00:15:46,133 --> 00:15:47,833 And here come our finalists. 427 00:15:49,904 --> 00:15:51,904 HOWARD TOE: Oh, and there's the God Piece. 428 00:15:51,973 --> 00:15:54,473 DOREEN: Swooper's brought out the God's Wife Piece. 429 00:15:54,575 --> 00:15:55,975 -No. -[audience gasping] 430 00:15:56,077 --> 00:15:57,543 DOREEN: Wait a second. It looks like... 431 00:15:57,678 --> 00:16:00,012 Is Swooper Goodfly going to play without God's Wife? 432 00:16:00,147 --> 00:16:02,815 If I win, I want to win fair and square. 433 00:16:05,753 --> 00:16:07,653 ♪ ♪ 434 00:16:07,755 --> 00:16:09,121 [audience gasping] 435 00:16:09,223 --> 00:16:11,557 If he play without special piece, 436 00:16:11,659 --> 00:16:13,292 I play without special piece. 437 00:16:13,394 --> 00:16:14,727 HOWARD: This is so touching. 438 00:16:14,829 --> 00:16:16,495 Now, let's see these two masters play 439 00:16:16,564 --> 00:16:18,964 without their pieces of mass destruction. 440 00:16:19,066 --> 00:16:21,000 On your mark. Get set. Chess! 441 00:16:22,403 --> 00:16:23,969 Uh, sorry. Who goes first? 442 00:16:24,071 --> 00:16:26,638 -I think the horsey. -No, no, I mean white or black? 443 00:16:26,707 --> 00:16:28,507 Oh, after you, kind sir. 444 00:16:28,609 --> 00:16:30,509 No, white has to go first. Always. 445 00:16:30,611 --> 00:16:32,177 -Sure, no worries. -All right. 446 00:16:32,279 --> 00:16:33,679 HOWARD: It's becoming clear that neither of these men 447 00:16:33,814 --> 00:16:35,981 are actual chess masters, and instead, we're going 448 00:16:36,083 --> 00:16:37,649 to be forced to watch two amateurs bungle their way 449 00:16:37,718 --> 00:16:39,952 through the most prestigious match in the sport. 450 00:16:41,989 --> 00:16:43,822 No. Wait. I want to go here instead. 451 00:16:43,891 --> 00:16:45,157 Yeah, go for it, buddy. 452 00:16:45,226 --> 00:16:47,026 Illegal move. Evgeny is disqualified. 453 00:16:47,161 --> 00:16:50,863 Swooper Goodfly, you are the chess champion of the world. 454 00:16:50,998 --> 00:16:53,198 -[audience clamoring] -Yes! Rip, we did it! 455 00:16:53,300 --> 00:16:56,535 -You won. Yeah! [laughs] -You go, Swooper! 456 00:16:56,637 --> 00:16:59,805 I want to thank my girlfriend, Cornelia. And Ringo. 457 00:16:59,907 --> 00:17:01,106 This is for you, buddy. 458 00:17:01,208 --> 00:17:02,741 This is all for you, buddy. 459 00:17:02,843 --> 00:17:05,277 Actually, it's all for me. [laughs] 460 00:17:05,379 --> 00:17:06,712 Magnus, be careful. 461 00:17:06,814 --> 00:17:08,514 Those two pieces can cause unthinkable destruction. 462 00:17:08,616 --> 00:17:12,084 Yes, I'm quite aware. You might even say it's my endgame. 463 00:17:12,186 --> 00:17:14,520 Oh, okay. Still bad, but at least we're clear on that. 464 00:17:19,393 --> 00:17:21,093 -[laughing maniacally] -Magnus has harnessed 465 00:17:21,228 --> 00:17:22,561 the energy field and turned himself into a super weapon. 466 00:17:22,696 --> 00:17:25,130 It's dark magic. Shoot him! 467 00:17:25,232 --> 00:17:27,099 [gunfire] 468 00:17:27,201 --> 00:17:29,168 -[yells] -[laughs] 469 00:17:29,236 --> 00:17:31,336 Your gambit failed, Evgeny. 470 00:17:31,439 --> 00:17:32,671 -[Evgeny groaning] -[audience gasping] 471 00:17:32,740 --> 00:17:33,839 -[laughing] -RIP: Oh, my God! 472 00:17:33,908 --> 00:17:35,274 Magnus, why would you do this? 473 00:17:35,409 --> 00:17:37,009 It's quite simple, Mr. Digman. 474 00:17:37,111 --> 00:17:41,313 There are two kinds of nerds-- smart nerds and gross nerds. 475 00:17:41,415 --> 00:17:42,514 Yeah, everyone knows that. 476 00:17:42,583 --> 00:17:44,249 And you're a smart nerd. A chess dude. 477 00:17:44,385 --> 00:17:50,189 Wrong. I am and have always been a gross nerd. 478 00:17:52,193 --> 00:17:54,793 -[laughing] -Oh, crap! 479 00:17:54,895 --> 00:17:57,096 I smell bad. I say off-putting things. 480 00:17:57,198 --> 00:17:59,098 I rip loud burps in public. 481 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:01,567 I pull my pants all the way down when I pee. 482 00:18:01,702 --> 00:18:03,302 I pick my butt. I have a booger collection. 483 00:18:03,437 --> 00:18:05,137 It all goes back to my childhood. 484 00:18:05,239 --> 00:18:08,574 Every day, the jocks would beat up the smart nerds, 485 00:18:08,642 --> 00:18:11,810 and then those smart nerds would come beat me up. 486 00:18:11,946 --> 00:18:14,279 I swore I'd have my revenge, 487 00:18:14,415 --> 00:18:15,747 and now, I shall. 488 00:18:15,883 --> 00:18:18,383 This arena is filled with the smartest nerds in the world. 489 00:18:18,486 --> 00:18:21,453 -But not for long. -[electrical crackling] 490 00:18:21,522 --> 00:18:23,956 -[laughing] -Stop! You go through with this, 491 00:18:24,058 --> 00:18:26,258 you're not just gonna kill the smart nerds you despise. 492 00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:28,327 You're also going to kill your friends. 493 00:18:28,462 --> 00:18:30,129 Friends? I don't have any friends. 494 00:18:30,231 --> 00:18:31,363 Magnus, that's not true. 495 00:18:31,465 --> 00:18:33,132 What about us? We're your friends. 496 00:18:33,234 --> 00:18:36,135 Really? So, would you like to come see my booger collection? 497 00:18:36,237 --> 00:18:38,770 Ew. No way. That's sick, dude. 498 00:18:38,873 --> 00:18:40,973 Okay, that's it. Time for everybody to die. 499 00:18:41,075 --> 00:18:43,542 -[electrical crackling] -[Magnus laughing] 500 00:18:43,611 --> 00:18:45,410 MAGNUS: Die! Die! 501 00:18:45,513 --> 00:18:48,147 -[gasps] -[Magnus laughs] 502 00:18:49,150 --> 00:18:53,452 YORBO: An arky must be able to dodge boulders. 503 00:18:53,521 --> 00:18:55,854 -[gasps] -[people screaming] 504 00:18:55,956 --> 00:18:57,956 [metallic creaking] 505 00:18:58,025 --> 00:18:59,958 -[Saltine groans] -[Fleety gasps] 506 00:19:00,027 --> 00:19:01,827 YORBO: An arky must be strong. 507 00:19:01,929 --> 00:19:04,530 [groaning] 508 00:19:05,966 --> 00:19:08,367 -Take that, you smart nerds! -Magnus! 509 00:19:08,469 --> 00:19:12,004 -[grunts] -[growls] 510 00:19:14,675 --> 00:19:16,041 Oh, no. He's gonna burp! 511 00:19:16,177 --> 00:19:20,212 -Everybody, brace yourselves! -[burps loudly] 512 00:19:20,314 --> 00:19:22,181 YORBO: An arky must learn to stomach 513 00:19:22,316 --> 00:19:24,683 that which is repulsive to others. 514 00:19:26,020 --> 00:19:27,886 Magnus, from one nerd to another, 515 00:19:28,022 --> 00:19:30,189 you can't just be a disgusting freak 516 00:19:30,291 --> 00:19:32,090 and expect unconditional acceptance. 517 00:19:32,193 --> 00:19:34,193 If you want to have a positive effect on people, 518 00:19:34,295 --> 00:19:36,295 you have to let yourself be affected by them. 519 00:19:36,397 --> 00:19:39,131 And I should know, because all that awesome stuff I just did, 520 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:40,666 I learned from my friends. 521 00:19:40,801 --> 00:19:42,034 [burping] 522 00:19:42,136 --> 00:19:44,603 I suppose you have a point. 523 00:19:44,738 --> 00:19:46,972 Yeah, and I also have... spiders. 524 00:19:47,041 --> 00:19:50,209 Why? You had already won me over with your words. 525 00:19:50,311 --> 00:19:51,343 [whimpering] 526 00:19:51,445 --> 00:19:52,945 And there you have it. 527 00:19:53,047 --> 00:19:55,147 A disgusting nerd's revenge plan immediately goes south, 528 00:19:55,249 --> 00:19:57,182 and he's once again put in his place. 529 00:19:57,284 --> 00:19:58,884 I'm Howard Toe broadcasting live 530 00:19:58,986 --> 00:20:01,620 from the international chess tournament probably 531 00:20:01,722 --> 00:20:03,755 for the last time. 532 00:20:09,830 --> 00:20:12,030 -[intercom buzzes] -RIP: Agatha, send in my 11:00. 533 00:20:12,132 --> 00:20:13,899 Saltine, you can head in. 534 00:20:15,603 --> 00:20:17,502 Saltine, have a seat. 535 00:20:17,571 --> 00:20:19,137 I want you to know that I appreciate 536 00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:21,106 you sacrificing your dream of becoming an arky 537 00:20:21,208 --> 00:20:23,275 to make sure I live to breathe another day. 538 00:20:23,377 --> 00:20:27,179 You are-- and I'm sorry if this isn't woke-- 539 00:20:27,248 --> 00:20:28,914 one heck of a gal. 540 00:20:29,016 --> 00:20:30,549 Thanks, Rip. 541 00:20:30,618 --> 00:20:31,984 Guys, great news. 542 00:20:32,086 --> 00:20:33,485 Harvey Greco did it! 543 00:20:33,621 --> 00:20:36,421 Ringo's sentence was overturned. He's free. Let's go! 544 00:20:36,557 --> 00:20:38,257 -All right! -All right. Who's Ringo? 545 00:20:43,797 --> 00:20:46,598 I'm so happy for you, Ringo. You're finally free. 546 00:20:46,700 --> 00:20:49,268 Thank you, Rip. You saved my life. 547 00:20:49,370 --> 00:20:50,569 Oh! 548 00:20:50,671 --> 00:20:52,304 I did it, you know. 549 00:20:52,406 --> 00:20:53,739 I killed that priest. 550 00:20:53,841 --> 00:20:55,374 And I'm gonna do it again. 551 00:20:55,476 --> 00:20:56,808 What? Ringo, no. 552 00:20:56,910 --> 00:20:59,111 Oh, yes. And you helped me get away with it. 553 00:20:59,213 --> 00:21:01,980 You know why I chose you, Rip, above everybody else? 554 00:21:02,082 --> 00:21:06,852 Because you'd do anything for a fan, bless your heart. 555 00:21:06,954 --> 00:21:09,321 Well, I guess it's official. 556 00:21:09,456 --> 00:21:12,891 Our justice system is flawed! 557 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:15,027 That's what this was about! 558 00:21:40,554 --> 00:21:41,653 Chirp. 559 00:21:45,492 --> 00:21:47,659 ♪ MTV. ♪